woken up at 6pm today by an sms coming in. checked my phone, there was 5 smses. but the last one that came in, the only one that woke me up. came from stef. and how it made my heart swell. it swelled till it hurt so much. with love and with longing. then the phone call to rachel before i fell asleep. if it came up to 30 pounds, it would be worth it. so worth it. then talked to anwar before that too. haha. just cos i need to rmb other ppl who were out there that i love.

the problem that i'm struggling with now.. isn't that i don't want to go home. its more of how i don't want to go home in such circumstances. i don't want to go home just cos i'm in a bad emotional and mental state. i want to go home cos that's what i planned to do and what i wanted to do. not need to do.

i would have been perfectly fine with staying here in london for a whole year without going home. its just at this point in time, in my fucked up situation. i don't know if i can hold on much longer before i cave and do something stupid.

the mind is strong, but the heart is so weak.

JC: ET, unsure of your self-sufficiency?

ET: Always, Jon, always.

mahjong tonight, borough market tmr, kaylene's bday dinner tmr night. i hope that makes everything abit better.